[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Barbie gone wild
😏😏😏
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?