P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Best spoiler warning ever
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*