I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
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[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’d use my best pan on you.