A huge thanks to the person that did this
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.