Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
You Might Also Like
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.