SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Spring cleaning checklist…
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
so, is there a mister shapen head
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES