Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.