what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Just me?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol