i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
You Might Also Like
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished