I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.