KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.