If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no