In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Never forget.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
pat pat
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…