“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
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Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.