You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Seems legit
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse