Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.