DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
going to the ER y’all need anything
so weird how every mom was born today
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing