*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!