If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I wish I could veto my bills.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?