If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim