My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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Growing up was a huge mistake
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Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
A friend helps you before you need it
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.