[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Still my favourite meme.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …