Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo