Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
#parenting
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]