I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Bread puns are on the rise!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips