Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
You Might Also Like
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!