[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking