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My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.