It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later