Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Finished stitching this today 😇
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*