Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.