ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Best mom ever 😂
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Oh. My. God.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
man: wait
time: no
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.