When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sing it!
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it