[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Cake safety first. Always.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face