Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess