Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away