I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Tremendous stuff
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.