*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug