They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Important reminders
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.