Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Good dog. ❤️
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.