if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me refusing to leave twitter
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Body by cheese-puffs.