At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The three genders.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.