KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Not my job 😂
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges