My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history