Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
the simulation is moving too fast
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My therapist after every session
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me, flirting😏
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?