I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
This might be the funniest tweet ever
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.