[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan