I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.