Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“That’s what” – She
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Yup….perfect score!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?