If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
NASA has no chill
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.